My Loss

Before I got pregnant with my son and daughter I suffered a miscarriage. The Hubbs and I had just gotten married when I found out I was with child. It wasn't as exciting as I always imagined it would be. At the time we didn't feel like we were ready for a baby, therefore the news wasn't met with great joy on our part.
My parents on the other hand were delighted and overjoyed. They went and bought the baby toys that week and my mom started making plans about the nursery and what not. I wanted to feel somewhat joyous, but the pregnancy was draining me. I felt incredibly tired and exhausted, more than I had ever felt my entire life. It was not a great feeling and I guess it didn't help that in the back of our minds we really weren't ready for a baby.
About a month after I found out about our pregnancy I lost the baby. I began spotting on a Sunday and by Tuesday I had miscarried. I felt guilty afterwards because in my mind I felt like I had rejected the baby. At  times I see my son and daughter and wonder about that first one. I don't allow myself to dwell on the "what ifs" too much because the guilt and the emotions overwhelm me. I never truly grieved my loss, I broke down in the car after I was told I was having a miscarriage, but at that moment I still held hope that something could be done to save the pregnancy. Thinking back at that time however, I feel like my emotions were a bit stiff. Not so much because I didn't care at all, but because I truly didn't have that maternal instinct yet. Ironically after I had my son I longed for that baby and even though I didn't get to meet her/him I will always love that little angel. Her/His loss made me appreciate and love my other two so much more.

Loosing It Again

I have struggle to loose weight since having my daughter and lately it is really getting to me. Before I found out I was pregnant in the summer of 2011, I had lost 50 lbs. I felt great physically and emotionally. Then I found out I was pregnant and it became harder for me to stick to a healthy lifestyle. Right after I had my daughter I lost the 35 pounds I had gained while pregnant and a bit more. I was walking everyday and I had even began running. I was getting into a good rhythm and it seemed like I was picking up where I left off, when suddenly I got hurt and my daughter got sick. I stopped walking and I haven't been able to get back into working out regularly. Everyday I tell myself this is the day when I'm going to jump back in the wagon, but that's not the case. I used to think that been a stay at home mom would be easier for me to live a healthy lifestyle, but it has proven to be the opposite. I had more discipline while I was working then I do now that I'm at home. I believe it has a lot to do with the fact that I don't follow much of a schedule while at home. I desperately wish I could get that motivation I had before.
The last time I began my weight loss journey, I also began a blog and it was helping me a lot to share my feelings. Hopefully it is something I can do this time around as well.