My Loss

Before I got pregnant with my son and daughter I suffered a miscarriage. The Hubbs and I had just gotten married when I found out I was with child. It wasn't as exciting as I always imagined it would be. At the time we didn't feel like we were ready for a baby, therefore the news wasn't met with great joy on our part.
My parents on the other hand were delighted and overjoyed. They went and bought the baby toys that week and my mom started making plans about the nursery and what not. I wanted to feel somewhat joyous, but the pregnancy was draining me. I felt incredibly tired and exhausted, more than I had ever felt my entire life. It was not a great feeling and I guess it didn't help that in the back of our minds we really weren't ready for a baby.
About a month after I found out about our pregnancy I lost the baby. I began spotting on a Sunday and by Tuesday I had miscarried. I felt guilty afterwards because in my mind I felt like I had rejected the baby. At  times I see my son and daughter and wonder about that first one. I don't allow myself to dwell on the "what ifs" too much because the guilt and the emotions overwhelm me. I never truly grieved my loss, I broke down in the car after I was told I was having a miscarriage, but at that moment I still held hope that something could be done to save the pregnancy. Thinking back at that time however, I feel like my emotions were a bit stiff. Not so much because I didn't care at all, but because I truly didn't have that maternal instinct yet. Ironically after I had my son I longed for that baby and even though I didn't get to meet her/him I will always love that little angel. Her/His loss made me appreciate and love my other two so much more.